Today I struggled. I struggled to be a 'good mom'--whatever affirming words that definition holds. I struggled to respond to the early (5:30 a.m.) whines and cries of a 10-month-old. I struggled to give my 3-year-old a cheerful "Good Morning", even as she jumped out of bed full of energy and delight- inquiring of the day's plans. I struggled to change every. single. diaper. I struggled to make PB & J sandwiches for lunch, I struggled to join my kids on the floor playing blocks. I struggled all the way to the grocery store, as my daughter's demand for "Strawberry Shortcake" ran on repeat-repeat-repeat.
I REALLY struggled when the baby unrolled all the toilet paper, just like the cover of that cute book, "I'll Love You Forever"--- and although I do and will love her forever, I struggled to keep my composure. I struggled when my 3-year-old uncapped my loose powder makeup in our van, and it flew through the air- covering every seat and cushion with a nice layer of "Basic Beige". I recommend Cover Girl for anyone seeking a extremely fine, dense, and long-lasting cover that won't wear off regardless of how hard you scrub your
I struggled to even enjoy my hour off. I didn't make it to my golf lesson tonight. We were to be working on our short game, and I couldn't bear the thought of standing tediously on that putting green--trying to center all my energy into hitting a tiny ball into an elusive 4-inch hole, from 5-feet away. I imagine as our long-winded instructor would be speaking, I'd silently be screaming at him, "Are you kidding me, I don't have time for this! You are lecturing to me the details of putter-angle, incline, and curve while I've got two little dependent beings at home covered in dirt and jam, a house full of laundry, a sink of dishes that are starting to smell..(ew!), a very weedy garden, and a tired husband that just came home from a 12-hour work day, all who expect dinner in an hour?!
I just couldn't do it, not today. My golf instructor really is great, (but truthfully a bit gabby).
So I'm asking, "What do you say?" What do you tell yourself on a day like today?
It is difficult on these days to find the delight of it all, to find the 'fun' in raising a home and family. Emotions of sadness, guilt, and shame begin to seep through my broken cracks. I feel so selfish. I know personally the ache of many close to me, who long and desire for a family of their own; who yearn for the blessings of small faces, and warm bodies asking for a hug from "Mommy". How blessed I am! I have so much; a loving husband, beautiful children, and a safe home. These thoughts hit especially hard as I realize how this type of comfort is becoming increasingly rare.
I hate that I complain of these days, that now at the end of it my spirit is low. I sit trying to figure it out, asking myself- how do I change, what can I do, what needs to be done? So I write, for some sense of relief, to gain guidance, and to bind up my heart through introspect. This is typically not a blog post, but a hand-written entry in my dark blue journal, which is safely kept hidden in the back, bottom shelf of my nightstand-- right where these thoughts are usually hidden. I'm not convinced of my decision to share this, other than I don't expect I am completely alone in these feelings. And maybe sometimes we (me) are scared to share the emotional struggle of 'these days'. And even more scared to ask for support and advice.
However, I'm not too scared and too worn to smile at myself-- and this very different, very revealing, somewhat silly blog-post.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I know that. :)
4 comments:
I love this so much. I have these days sometimes. As homemakers who choose to stay at home full time we generally have more good days than bad days....but boy, when those bad days hit, they hit hard. You're right. Tomorrow WILL be a better day cause you can't get my h worse than the day you've just had! Haha. On bad days like today what is it that I tell myself to get me through?? Nothing. I don't tell myself anything. Cause I can't think clearly. I fact I can't think at all! My brain is mush and I relay heavily on mom or husband (whichever is free to talk then), nap time, or mr Rogers neighborhood for the kids, in order to keep from losing it. Also I pray ALOT. The thing that brings me comfort is that the clock keeps on ticking. Time keeps moving forward. The husband eventually gets home, bedtime eventually comes, and so even thought you have nothing good trio show for that day you succeeded because the kids were fed and didn't die. Seriously on bad days like this you're just in survival mode. I can't tell you the recipe for success, but I do know the recipe for failure, and that is comparing yourself to others (yes, that includes thinking of all the people out ther that want kids but can't have them). You arguing stretched to your limits, girl, give yourself some credit!! You r doing the most selfless thing ever. Tomorrow WILL be a better day! You can do it!!!!!!! Just 5 minutes at a time.......
After 4 kids I finally get what being a mom is about: it is about making everyone else happy, including hubby, and forgetting yourself. I hear constant whining all. day. long. I go mental all. day. long! Husband doesnt show up till they are climbing in bed. I am tired, I am spent, I am done. But this is what being a mom is about. I have accepted it. Life is work. Its about learning. Its about being tested. Its about proving ourself and growing. its about showing the lord we put him first above ourselves. Life as a mom is about giving so much to our family that at the end of the day we are so totally exhausted that we devour ourselves in chocolate!. Its the reality and I finally get it, at least at this stage of mothering. Every single mom feels this!
I have also learned to soak up those 5 seconds, with every ounce of my soul, where I can snuggle my little one, or laugh with my kids and play. Those moments that define the word bliss and the reason we love being a mom so much. And that has made all the difference!!!
ps. you rock as a mom and dont ever think you dont! you are scoring major points in heaven!!!
Ok, so I am months late in commenting but I can't help myself. You are so great! Being a Mom is certainly challenging!!! But with the challenge comes growth--I know it has for me. You are a wonderful mother and I am so glad to have you for a daughter, just as Hailey and Kate are so lucky to have you too. Hang in there! Love you!
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